Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
