Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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