Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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