he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
