the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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