I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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