Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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