Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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