can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
