Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
