Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
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