he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.