you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore