Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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