i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
