Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
