I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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