I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
