His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
