FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
