You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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