This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
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My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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