phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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