Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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