i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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