I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
