I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
My life is pants optional.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
