I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
