I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
