12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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