K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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