dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
