Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
