Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Randomize
