im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
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I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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