then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
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We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
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My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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