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I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Randomize
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