I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.