Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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