Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
oh good, I think they're gone
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.