I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
