According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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