I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
