and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
