my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
