The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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