i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
