I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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