how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
