Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
This baby is an asshole
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
