I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
