WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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