I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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