totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
