Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
