Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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