I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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