Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
