Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
