im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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