The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Did you just see the Batmobile???
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Randomize
