He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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